Resolution Time!

Here's a tip for next holiday season: It's probably a bad idea to eat leftover pierogies every day after Christmas through the New Year. Maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't also coupled with nut roll. And baklava. And buckeyes. And other delicious calories consumed the last two weeks, all of which I do not regret. Well, I regret it a little bit. Approximately ten pounds of it. 

I'm not too worried about it, because it's RESOLUTION TIME! Wooooooo!

The last couple of years, I jumped on board the resolution train. I love lists. I love goals. I love benchmarks. (I love lamp.) The ritual of checking in annually with life and its measures seems like kind of a good thing, like an annual physical. How's your blood pressure? What did you hope to do last year? What do you hope to do this year?

Top of my list right now is to detox. Brandon and I are planning on doing the Whole 30 again, and I am so excited. My favorite part of the Whole 30 is demonstrating to myself that I do indeed possess self-control, and I am capable of exercising it whenever. For real! No, Swells, you do not need to eat that piece of chocolate, because you have self-control. No, sweetheart, you do not need to drink that glass of wine, because you have self-control.

It will also feel good to fit in my jeans the right way.

Besides trimmin' up the ol' spare tire, it's also been something like two months since the time changed, so I guess I have to stop using that as an excuse not to exercise. Last night, I broke out the Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess book and started Round One again. Boy, am I out of shape or what. What a disappointment to be almost back to square one (I say "almost" because I still managed 20 regular push-ups, which is way more than I could do before *roar*). But this, too, is manageable; after all, I've done it before and I know the rewards. What's there to lose?

In 2013, my resolutions were far less quantifiable than 2012, but I did set the goal of blogging every other week, and I am pleased to say thanks to my daily advent blogging, I wrote an average of once a week. Outside of December, it was closer to three times a month. So, for 2014, I think I'll aim for once a week again. The MFA thesis is well on its way to looking like something more than a collection of typed pages, and I don't think it's an unreasonable goal to write more blatherings like this one in 2014.

Here's a few more things I hope to pull together in 2014:

• Read twelve books (one a month? totally manageable)
• Cut debt in half (We are SO BAD at this. People, you know that self-control thing I was talking about above and how fun it is to exercise it with food? Well, we're real lazy with this one. But if you don't set a goal, there's nothing to aim for, right? Here's to 2014 and debt reduction! *meow*)
• Finalize the MFA thesis. I kind of have to do this by next December. Yay! Something I'll be able to check off!
• Read through Book Two, Three, and Four of the Harry Potter series with Lydia

I know I said I was done with pierogies in the New Year, but there are a few leftovers from 2013 I hope to maintain in 2014:

• Maintain sanity
• Pray and give thanks daily
• Remember the promises given by God in the Bible and remind my family about them regularly
• Continue preparing healthy meals for my family
• Go out with my husband once every two weeks
• Play with my kids
• Expand the garden
• Go on vacation (Disney! Sea World! Yee!)

I think that's enough. And, if/when I fall short, there's always this:

Looks like 2014 is going to be a good year, folks.

2013: Resolutions - Walk Instead of Run

2012: My Thirtieth Year

2011: Harry and Henry

2010: Key West Bound and Lydia-isms

2009: Happy New Year

Boy, I've been at this thing for a while now. :)

That Isn't on My 30th Year Goal List

It's been a while since I checked in on my 30th Year Goals.  Ever since the summer residency my reading and writing efforts have been unimpressive.  Besides a draft of an essay that probably won't ever see the light of day because it's so bad, I've written one poem and a short lyric essay of about 750 words. I've started about half a dozen books, some from my "read ten books list" and then others that have been recommended, but lately all I want to do after the kids go to sleep is hang out on the couch with my husband and watch movies or listen to him play the guitar and sing along.

Part of this is because I've been exercising in the mornings before work, and the wake-up call is early.  By the time the day is over, I'm just plain done with anything that requires brain activity.  I'm rather sure if I picked up a book I'd fall asleep within the first five pages.  Exercising at the gym wasn't on my 30th year list.

I expected weekday writing and reading to drop off with the kids in soccer and implementing date night again, but I had hoped that the weekend reading and writing would ramp up, since my weekend evenings are now husband-free.  Instead, I've watched a lot of romantic comedies. That wasn't on my 30th year list either.

I think the next time something comes up (like laundry or dishes), I'm going to let my husband/boss/friends/church/family know that I'm exempt because it wasn't on my 30th year list. Sorry! :) Of course, neither was sleeping, so maybe my body will pay attention if I tell it to stop spending 1/3 of every 24 hours doing nothing.

The good news is that I'm not in a binding contract with my 30th year list of goals.  They are goals, not vows, after all.  I also wrote the list in January, and it's amazing how much changes in the course of ten months.  I didn't know that Pruning Burning Bushes would be published this year or that I would be trying to schedule readings from it this fall.  If I had known that, I might have added something about my book to the goal list.  I also didn't know that we would become such foodies, losing weight and feeling better in 2012.  Can I retroactively add goals to the goal list so that I can check them off?  Absolutely! 

In general I feel good about the status of my goal list for 2012.  We're making progress in most areas, and the areas I'm not are at least on my radar or in "continuous improvement."  We have a ways to go in the credit card debt area but we have a plan, at least.  Bible study and daily quiet time looks more like frantic random prayers on the treadmill, spurts of conversation with the Holy Spirit in times of stress and thanksgiving, and the occasional deep breath appreciation of nature/family/seasons/life. 

The marathon or half-marathon idea is eliminated from the list; I laugh just reading it.  Sometimes you have to approach your goals realistically within the framework of real life in order to find balance.  I don't aspire to be a marathoner, and my guess is that it is hard to be a marathoner plus anything else.

I am glad that I didn't say "write 12 good poems" or "write 6 publishable essays."  I've surpassed 12 poems, though who knows if any of them are any good.  I'm close to six essays, maybe seven if I count the really bad one that won't ever see the light of day, and I'm way beyond that if I include the short essays and articles I've written for a few different blogs this fall.  This makes me feel better about myself but it also makes me wonder if I shouldn't have had a higher goal in mind.  Meh. I think instead of raising the bar in quantity, I can spend the rest of 2012 working on quality.

This has been a great exercise this year. It's something I've kept in the back of my mind, and having a place I can refer back to in order to see how I'm doing has been really handy.  It's helped me to keep perspective when I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much besides living, which should be enough, anyway.  I think that contentment and ambition don't have to be mutually exclusive.  It's possible to strive toward goals and be content, and whether ambitions succeed or fail should not shatter that contentment, especially when there's so much around us to be grateful for.

Things Left on the 30th Year List:

• cut our credit card debt in half (unrealistic at this point in the year, but pushing forward anyway)
• blog once a week (average isn't too far off)
• incorporate Bible reading and prayer into daily life more
• read ten books (eight down? I think?)

Not too shabby.  Maybe I can take the rest of 2012 off once I finish my reading list. 

My 30th Year: Read Ten Books

I've been thinking about my thirtieth year list and looking at the growing stack of books I'd like to read in 2012. Rather than get discouraged, I've decided to identify ten books I plan to read in 2012. When I finish one, I think I'll try my hand at reviewing it on here.

In some ways, ten books feels like a modest goal. I love to read, after all, and ten books in 365 days sounds like a breeze to me... until I think about my kids and job and husband and making dinner and sleep and exercise.  Then I chuckle and reshelve the books.

SO, to keep focused, here are the ten books I aspire to read this year, in no particular order:

Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard J. Foster.  This is one we're reading for small group-- working through a series of spiritual disciplines, one by one each week.  I like it for its practicality and application.  We're about four chapters into the book.  It might not be fair to count this as one of the ten, but eh, who's making the rules here anyway?

The Best Spiritual Writing 2012, edited by Philip Zaleski.  This is a carry-over from 2011 (also shouldn't be counted...) that I'm about half-way through.  There are many great poems and essays in this collection, all offering something to contemplate as I go about my day.

Bring Down the Little Birds: On Mothering, Art, Work, and Everything Else by Carmen Gimenez Smith.  Carmen is on the faculty at Ashland, and I have been wanting to read this little memoir for a year now.

A Double Life by Lisa Catherine Harper.  This book won the 2010 River Teeth Literary Nonfiction Book Prize, and again, I've been wanting to read it since it was selected.  It was also a 2012 National Book Critics Circle Best of the Small Presses Selection.

Townie by Andre Dubus III.  Andre Dubus is coming to Ashland this summer for our residency, and this is his most recent book.

Half the House by Richard Hoffman.  Hoffman was published in River Teeth recently, and he's also coming to Ashland, this spring. 

Mountains of Light: Seasons of Reflection in Yosemite by R. Mark Liebenow.  Liebenow was the 2011 River Teeth Book Prize winner, so there you go.

Beautiful and Pointless: A Guide to Modern Poetry  by David Orr.  This one was given to me by Joe Mackall and I just love the title.

Young of the Year by Sydney Lea.  This is a collection of poems by a poet I admire.

Space, In Chains by Laura Kasischke.  Another collection of poems.  She is coming this summer to Ashland too.

Coral Road Poems by Garrett Hongo.  Also coming to AU (coming to a theatre near you?) this summer.

Since the last three are collections of poems, and I'm cheating by including two books I had already started in 2011, here are two page-through-as-I-can books, and one book I'd like to re-read:

All the Fun's in How You Say a Thing: An Explanation of Meter and Versification by Timothy Steele.  This guy really excites me, even though I'm sure 99.99% of you are saying, "seriously? versification?" But I loved Tim's poetry at Key West and at West Chester, and while this is textbook-y, I am certain it will be the sort of thing that I can use in my writer's toolbox.  So there you have it.

The Best American Essays 2011, edited by Robert Atwan (series editor).  I mostly want to read this so I know what essays are being considered the "best" so I can aspire to that level of writing.  Also, Bob Atwan is going to be at AU in May for the River Teeth Nonfiction Conference.

Ah, and I just thought of another book I'd like to read this year (do you see how this is a problem for me???) - Bonnie Rough's Carrier.  I might slip it in place of Liebenow's book in the top ten and get to Liebenow if I finish the top ten.

Finally, the re-read.  I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis back in high school and would love to revisit it.

Alrighty.  You'll know if I'm making progress on this list if I actually report back on the books.  I'm excited to have a goal, even if it seems like a weak one.  Maybe I'll surprise myself and finish ten books by July.  I just laughed out loud, so don't hold your breath.

P.S. An obvious trend I'm sure you noticed: most of these books are work-related texts.  Fortunately for me, my job is literature centered, so reading for work doesn't involve instruction manuals or operating manuals.

My Thirtieth Year

As something of a kick-off to my 30th year and my mom's 50th, we ran a half-marathon back on December 3.  It was cold but dry and sunny, and we finished!  Now, I have ambitions to run a marathon with one of my good friends (who is also turning 30 this year) in May, but I'm not sure whether my knee can hold up - it hasn't felt right since the half-marathon.  Also, there's this thing about time commitment.  I enjoyed the structure and discipline required to train for the half-marathon.  Someone plotted out the miles I needed to run and which days I needed to run them, and I did it.

No one does this for me for writing.  Nobody sends me a schedule and says, SWells, sit down and give me 20 pages, and tomorrow, I want 20 more.  Plus, the time I've dedicated to running has filled any time or energy I had for writing.  I want to run this marathon (I think I do, anyway... I'm suffering short-term memory loss from the half-marathon).  But I also want to write, now that I've gotten a few essays done, toward a book-length manuscript.  I'd like to make year 30 the year I finish it, but that might be too ambitious.

There's a few other things besides writing and running I'd like to have happen in Year 30:

• take a family vacation
• go on a fancy date with my husband
• go line dancing at least once
• take Lydia and Elvis on two special one-on-one "dates" each
• cut our credit card debt in half, with a two-year goal of being credit card free by our 10th anniversary
• blog once a week
• read ten books
• run a marathon (maybe... at least another half-marathon)
• write six or more essays toward the manuscript
• incorporate Bible reading and prayer into daily life more
• write twelve new poems

My immediate goals for 2012 are to get well - this sinus infection needs to go away - and to survive the next week of Brandon being out of town.  He's had a lot of work lately, and I'm ready for him to be home and around more.

Thirty years old July 30.  This is a crazy life.  I wonder what challenges and opportunities God will give us in 2012.

That Crazy Thang Called "Plans"

It's the end of another week, and I have a bit of a headache that I'm calling sinus because if I scrunch up my nose and squint my eyes, the pressure seems to be relieved a little bit. It's kind of hard to type like this and I think all of the undergraduates wandering by my door think I'm crazy, but at least there's some relief!

I failed to report on Warren-Wilson. I don't really remember whether I mentioned on here that I applied to this elite low-res MFA program, but I did. It was the only school I applied to, figuring that since I'm not in any major rush to start working on a degree I might as well only apply to the #1 place I'd like to be. So I applied, and the WW website said that I'd hear somewhere between three and six weeks after their application deadline. Once that time period rolled around, I started to experience this serious anxiety about being accepted. With Brandon starting school and the two of us being on this kick to eliminate debt, financing a second graduate degree at this point would be rather cost-prohibitive. And the program doesn't offer any tuition reduction or scholarships. But I applied anyway, and here I am chewing my lip through trying to decide what to do if I'm accepted.

Imagine my surprise when I was absolutely relieved to be rejected! Ahhh, thank you, door of opportunity slammed shut! There's nothing quite like receiving a strong NO when you have anxiety about a situation.

I have to pull a quick quote from back in March that I stumbled upon this afternoon. It made me giggle and sigh at my own stupidity.

In many ways I don't know what to do next, in regards to poetry. I am working on a draft of my first full-length manuscript right now, getting feedback from poet friends on order and arc and what-not, but what I don't know is whether I should be thinking about going for my graduate degree, either MFA or something else, or whether I am right where I need to be. Another thing my friend said on Thursday that really struck a chord with me is that often, once we've found our niche and begin to succeed, we have a tendency to be rewarded or promoted straight out of that place that God put us - the sweet spot where we are most productive. Even though some pursuits may seem like good ideas, they might not be God's idea, or God's timing. This is something I've been thinking a lot about with my career as a poet (if you can call being a poet any sort of "career"). Is going for a higher degree right now or in the near future a good idea, God's idea, both, or neither?

When I think about it in terms of my family, I think going back to school right now would be putting myself before every other member in my family. It would be a seriously selfish move - especially since Brandon has been planning to go back to school for a few years now. I don't think it is right or fair to him or my children to take on yet another project, especially when I am already over-committed with work, church, and my poetry as it is. I think in a few years, once the kids are in school and the husband is almost done or finished with his master's, the timing will be better. And who knows where we will be a few more years down the road? I certainly never predicted we'd be here.

So how about that? Why didn't I stick to my guns, you ask? Because I am like every other human being on this planet - ambitious, big-headed, and over-eager - and don't like to pay attention to any still, small voices of reason. That's why. Have you ever been excited about rejection like this? I was thrilled! I still am thrilled! I don't have to make any difficult decisions!

In other exciting news, guess who's going to Key West in January? Oh yeah, baby, that's me, hangin' with my poet homies... you know, all those people who won't know me but I sure know them! At least through their writing... Richard Wilbur, Rita Dove, Maxine Kumin, Billy Collins and a whole host of other poets. It's going to be so fabulous.

I've also had some publication news come streaming in lately. In the last month or so, I've had three poems accepted - Christianity & Literature, JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association, and just today, Windhover: A Journal of Christian Literature. It's been an exciting month! It just goes to show that even if you've received 120 rejections in the last year, acceptance might just be right around the corner. The publications are such an affirmation, but as I mentioned in my last post, this is not why I write. In fact, if that becomes why I'm writing, I think all inspiration and authenticity about my work will go flying away. I can't write for publication. Then it is not true. Sometimes I feel myself leaning in that direction, thinking, "I bet what they'd like to read is something more like this..." and then I start to put the pen to the paper and panic because there's nothing there. No inspiration whatsoever.

Be true to your voice. Be true to your subject matter. And never think, "Oh, they won't like that subject/topic/form/word/theme/punctuation mark." They shouldn't be a thought in your mind until far beyond the first draft and multiple revisions of the poem. But it's easy to lose that focus.

I'm excited about a few poem ideas I have floating around in my brain right now. All I need to do is find the time to write. It sounds so simple...

Happy weekend!