Love Means Buying All the Things

It's the morning of V-Day, Henry woke up at his usual 6 a.m., and as I rolled out of bed, I began my usual scroll through last night's Facebook posts. Lots of posts about people's kids being their Valentines. And then I remembered. Nope. I did nothing for this holiday.

I've decided that maybe I'm the worst at Valentine's Day. I dread Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, and to a lesser extent Halloween and Easter, not because of what they stand for but because I know that somehow these holidays are going to make me feel inadequate as a parent.

I love to buy gifts for my kids. For Christmas. And birthdays. But some of the holidays in between have been injected with steroids and made to look just as big. Candy everywhere. Stuffed animals with little hearts. Pink and red and sweet sweet sweet.

Do you buy your kids Valentine's Day gifts? I've run out of time this year; I had it in my mind for two weeks that maybe I could find something special for my little ones, even though we just finished a marathon of gift giving and receiving just six weeks ago, and yet I am still compelled inside to buy buy buy buy buy, buy more things to accumulate on top of the other things just so that they get some things on yet another holiday!  Things!

Who doesn't like to receive a present? Really? I LOVE presents. Of course my kids love presents, for that thirty seconds it takes them to open each gift and then the five minutes it takes for them to play with it until it becomes like all of the other collected remnants of previous presents.

Gifts is one of the many ways we can show our children love. In my case, though, I suspect the greatest gift I can give my children is more of my time and attention. Maybe instead of feeling so much pressure to go out without them to buy them stuff to show them I love them, maybe instead, I ought to shut off my phone and my laptop and turn my attention on them, play with them, snuggle with them, read with them, give them my undivided attention, which is what I yearned for as a child, too.

The day, every day, lots of days, can be made special in any number of ways. We tend to overemphasize the gift component of showing our love to people in our culture, mostly because we're a capitalist society driven by the success or failure of the economy, and all day long the television and the Internets tell us we better buy this car or that candy or this jewelry because that's how she'll know, that's how she'll remember you love her.

And that's true. But it's only partly true. The things they might need most from you today, and all of the days, are your presence, your encouragement, your help, your body snuggling against theirs on the couch. Expressions of love are meant to make us know that we are not alone. We are loved.

I'll admit I'm also trying to make myself feel better about not having time to buy all the things for my kids for Valentine's Day. So in basic self-justification mode, I'm ripping the giving of gifts for every occasion, and that's not fair. It's also focused on what I need to receive love, which is not usually gifts but more often time and attention, a body snuggling against mine. What are my kids' needs? Love in all the ways. But it doesn't need to come all at once, either.

I don't need to buy in to the marketing schemes to spend more money that I don't have in order to express love. But I do need to do something. I will love on my kids. I will love on my spouse. And it will be okay that they don't have a huge spread of stuffed animals and candy and chocolate to accompany it.

Advent Day 24: Empty Tree Syndrome

I fought the impulse to keep buying things for our kids this year. They have so many toys and so many family members who love them and want to buy them gifts, too, but at the same time, we don't want to seem like the Grinchiest parents on the block.

Last night as I wrapped the last of the gifts and filled the stockings, sliding what we bought intentionally, with each child and each tradition we've established in mind (Christmas PJs, books, and ornaments), I panicked and experienced the phenomenon we might call ETS or "Empty Tree Syndrome."

My mom is afflicted with this disease. It is a common condition often contracted this time of year, and unfortunately there doesn't appear to be a cure.  It is unclear whether the disease is bacterial or viral, but I suspect with more research it will be determined to be genetic.  I've conducted a brief case study (with two generations of women), and the results seem conclusive: genetically transmitted.

There is one primary symptom that manifests itself prior to Christmas day.  If you hear this sentence, "But it looks so empty!" an intervention must take place immediately or the patient will be out the door, purse in hand, to find more things for under the tree. Any things.

One of my goals to battle against ETS, which stayed in remission until last year when we had a little extra cash and a lot of Christmas spirit, was to pick out one large package for each of my children that would take up extra square footage under the tree.  Another strategy I employed in 2013 was to jam the tree into the corner next to a large chair, thus reducing the floor space available for presents, creating the illusion of a much larger pile of gifts.

In these things I was successful, until about 10 p.m. last night.  All of the gifts were wrapped.  I slid them one by one underneath the tree, stacking the tall things on their tall ends to give height and breadth to the pile.  I stood back and thought to myself, "But it looks so empty!"

Knowing the early signs of an ETS outbreak, I quickly returned to the sofa and drank some wine, keeping the pile of presents out of my peripheral vision.  It was too late to get out and buy more presents.  I began to regret the decision not to buy a few more things, just a few more things.  Brandon has been ill and, if not for that would have bought a few more things, which would have filled out the tree and made the pile even bigger, even better!  As we climbed the stairs, I worried a little that our children would be disappointed this morning.  I reminded myself that we made reservations at one of Disney's resorts for next summer, and that this gift presented this morning would be something to look forward to for the next six months.  This helped to curb the symptoms of ETS, and I slipped into sleep.

This morning, we came downstairs and Lydia began to survey the presents and the stockings, eyeing tags and feeling the foot of her red stocking.  She grinned, "Mom!  There are so many presents!  I thought you guys were going to get us just one!"

ETS might be genetic, but apparently it can be resisted and overcome, with time and effort, and a little lower expectations instilled in the next generation.  Besides, we will be going to three more Christmas parties in the next week, where the symptoms of ETS have manifested themselves in many, many brightly colored packages that are certain to bring glee to my three sweet children.

Merry Christmas, all!

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." - John 1:14

Advent Day 22 and 23: Seasonal Weed and Feed

Even though there are plenty of ways we abuse the Christmas holiday with Black Friday and doorbuster sales and buy one get one and layaway and credit card debt, I can't imagine ever abandoning the tradition of giving gifts at Christmas.

Last Christmas, I had something akin to superhuman energy and assembled a dozen or so homemade Christmas gifts, and as I finished and wrapped each one, I got more and more excited for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, when the gifts would finally be opened.  There were also a bunch of presents bought that I knew would be a surprise and a delight.  Maybe my grin and giddy sofa-dance of anticipation even topped the recipient's joy.

This year, however, I had zero thoughts of making Christmas presents, zero ambitions to top or meet last year's measure of creativity. Instead, constant on my mind this season was a longing to damper any motivations to buy gifts out of a place of obligation: This is just what you have to do at Christmas. Buy other people things.  Meh.

If you've been reading along, my Christmas spirit meter has been somewhere between "Bah, humbug," and "HO. HO. HO." most of the month.  It doesn't take long for whatever melancholy, darkness, or gloom that has seeped in to spread its tentacles into the whole of the holiday, strangling joy and sinking its bitter root deep into the season.

But the desire to find the perfect gift for someone else is like Weed and Feed - it kills the bitter root and plants joy in its place.  Gift giving is an expression of love and friendship, an opportunity to plant in someone's hand tangible evidence of affection.  Sometimes the gift is much needed.  Sometimes the gift is extravagant. Sometimes it is clear that the giver thought long and hard about the gift, regardless of expense.

But the difference between an obligatory gift and a meaningful gift is significant to both the giver and the receiver.

The magi traveled long and far to deliver their gifts of deep meaning to Jesus. Theirs was a sacrifice of time, talent, and treasure. Embracing the challenge to try to find meaningful gifts this season broadened my vision beyond the Scrooge-iness and lapse into blind consumerism. That more specific focus on others allowed some of those seeds of joy to take root, so that now, I am ready and eagerly waiting that magical time Christmas morning.

"Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, 'Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.' After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route." - Matthew 2:7-12

Advent Days 17-21: Run, Run, Rudolph

The last week of advent before Christmas got a little scrambled up, but there were plenty of highlights. 

Elvis's Christmas program was on the 18th.  Lydia finished off an antibiotic for strep on Monday and by Tuesday morning, she had it again, so the rest of the Wells family stayed home while I took E to his program.  Unfortunately, my kids seem to have gotten my stage presence instead of Brandon's.  Elvis spent the entire Christmas program in the front row of the risers pouting and mouthing "mama," which looked so sad.  I thought if he could see me, he'd be okay, but nope.  I don't think he sung any of the songs, and sadly, he also didn't say his line in the play, just like last year.  He knew it, too.  Poor guy.  I hope both Lydia and Elvis are able to conquer whatever fears they have about being in front of an audience. 

We took the kids to the Buckeye Express Diner in Bellville on Wednesday this week, taking the longer way home to see Christmas lights, thereby killing the hypothetical two birds with one stone.  If you haven't been to the Buckeye Express Diner, you should make a point of it the next time you're driving on I-71 between Cleveland and Columbus.  Great burgers, good french fries, homemade applesauce, and you get to eat in a TRAIN!  That was clearly a highlight for us.

The kids and I also wrapped the gifts we bought last weekend.  Aside from a couple of special gifts for the boys, all of the wrapping is done, and I think all of the gift-buying is done, too.  I can hardly wait for Christmas giving to begin, there are so many things I'm excited about.  It's going to be a sweet Christmas for the Wells family.  Brandon's gift arrived in the mail yesterday, and I can hardly wait for him to unwrap it.  He's going to love the lifelong supply of Hanes underwear.

Thursday evening was our almost annual White Elephant Christmas party.  We had about 22 people or so (I'm not real sure because I put two 18's into the gift number bag), and "Das Boot" made a return, along with a pinata, a Russian hat, and a pocket chair.

Brandon and our friend, Bill, finished the microwave installation on Friday, the kids played in the first snow of the season, and I had coffee with one of my best friends, made some truffles and presents for family gifts, then hung out with some girlfriends down the street afterhours.

It's been a good week, albeit with its usual random interruptions of whininess and complaining from the peanut gallery.  My threats to return Christmas gifts just aren't meaningful enough to demand good behavior.

I can't promise a post between now and Christmas, and we've actually done all of the advent activities on the calendar already (today was supposed to be make and wrap presents, but that's done, so I think we might make some paper snowflakes instead).  So, if I don't post again before Christmas, please have a jolly one!

Advent Day 15 & 16: Gifts

The kids went Christmas shopping for their family members on Saturday, and what fun it was to see what they picked out for each person and the thought they put into gifts they thought each person would like!  I was impressed at their ability to focus on others, especially in the toy aisle, where there are so many temptations to shop for themselves.  They were so excited to go shopping in the first place but initially talked about getting toys for themselves, so we discussed how Christmas isn't about getting presents, it is about remembering and celebrating Jesus's birth, and one way we do that is by giving gifts to each other as a way to demonstrate our love for one another.  It's amazing how often I forget this and get "wrapped" up in the buying and exchanging of gifts as an obligation because that's what we do, instead of an opportunity to show love to someone.

Sunday morning, I helped with tech stuff and read part of the Advent program with two of my friends.  The third candle of advent is joy, and in light of recent events, it was strangely appropriate for us to talk about joy.  The Holy Spirit moved in miraculous and mysterious ways, in the advance selection of music chosen by the worship leader, in the third candle narrative, and in the pastor's sermon.  If you want to hear John Shultz talk about joy in the midst of this dark season, listen here.

Sunday's advent activity was a "mystery," at least it was when I put the calendar together, but it turned out perfect; we celebrated Christmas with my mom's side of the family.  Our gift exchange and gathering was a great time filled with laughter, and I got some really fun(ny) stuff.  The kids had fun chasing my uncle and aunt's cats and dog around the house, and I'm thankful for my family's generosity to us and our kids-- they certainly don't have to buy gifts for our kids but they do, and of course they loved opening up their presents!

And Brandon is home.  Ah.  Yes.  Finally.

Advent Day 12: Deliver Cookies to Neighbors

When I got home from work today, Brandon was busy with our friend Bill installing an electric outlet and hanging a couple of cabinets in the kitchen, in preparation for an over-the-range microwave Christmas present from my in-laws (yeeeeeee hawwwwww!).  Never did I imagine in my pre-married life that I would be so excited about kitchen upgrades, but time and time again I prove that you really can find bliss in new appliances. 

The kids and I took another crisp walk around the neighborhood, this time to deliver our gingerbread cookies to neighbors, along with our homemade cards.  Henry loves to walk by himself and now yells, "ALK! ALK!" if I even attempt to carry him anywhere.  I wouldn't mind this one bit since he weighs nearly 30 pounds now except that he fights holding my hand and thinks it's really funny to try to run into traffic.  This is especially exciting at night wearing non-reflective clothing.  Praise God, nobody died running into traffic on Morgan Avenue tonight, and no one had to swerve off of the road to avoid a marching toddler.  And, our neighbors got their cookies.

Look what a nice job my husband and Bill did on the cabinets!  Someday, we'll take out all of the old ones in the rest of the kitchen and put in new ones like these.  Someday.

I finished one Christmas project tonight, although I keep thinking of others that it would be fun to make something for, but sorry nameless ones, you'll have to wait til next year, or your birthdays, or another occasion.  It is onward to the other other homemade Christmas gifts.

Tomorrow night is basketball practice.  Dread.  At least this time, I know I don't have to be there for the full practice and can take Elvis and Hank somewhere else.  The bad news is that it is also picture night, which means I'm sure to forget some key component of the uniform, or forget to pull Lydia's hair back into a ponytail, or forget about practice entirely and get a frantic call from the coach about it fifteen minutes before I put the kids to bed.  Egads, I better make sure the reminder on my phone is operating.

Creativity in Worship

Recently I started working with the worship team at our church, and I've been having so much fun.  I don't sing, and while I might be able to toot a tune on the ol' licorice stick, there isn't a whole lot of room for a clarinet in our contemporary worship band.  Unless we start playing songs from Fantasia.  So at first you might wonder what a tone deaf ex-member of the marching band is doing on the worship team.

We are blessed to attend a church that is not afraid to experiment.  On any given Sunday, you can expect to hear the worship leader say, "We're gonna try something different today."  Sometimes we have choreographed dancing.  Sometimes we have painting.  Sometimes we have flags.  We haven't brought out the snakes yet, but if the Spirit moved... well, we'd probably move to another church. ;)

Every week, the worship team talks via email or in person to start planning for the following Sunday, or a few Sundays ahead.  I love the intentionality, the enthusiasm, and the creativity that is permitted and encouraged.  I feel as if we are each given the freedom to use the gifts that have been given us, and it gets me just plain excited to be a part.

For those of you who are tone deaf, like me, but enthusiastic about worship and find yourself yearning for a way to use your gifts, talk to your pastor or worship leader and bring your ideas forward.  I've only been at this with our worship team for a month and a half, so I'm still learning lots of things, but it has been such a fulfilling experience that I can't help but share what I've learned so far.

Here are a few tips for bringing your creativity to Sunday morning worship:

1. Don't be afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed by your creativity.  This is important and might seem like a no-brainer, but I know from experience that self-doubt and negativity can weigh in on you and convince you that what you have to offer either isn't good enough or no one else will understand/appreciate what you have to offer because you are too different/unusual/strange.  Every good gift is from above, after all, and what better way to use what yo daddy gave you than in worship? Be bold and courageous.  Do not be afraid, do not be terrified.  The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Even in front of the congregation.

2. If you write poetry, write a poem about God/faith/forgiveness/grace/mercy/love/prayer/fear/justice/etc. If you paint or sculpt, interpret a passage of Scripture.  If you dance, choreograph a praise song.  If you love to read, read a passage of Scripture or a story.  If you act, work with a writer in your congregation who wants to do a skit.  If you sing, by all means, sing a new song unto the Lord.  Whatever brings you joy and passion, bring that to worship, and not only will your worship experience be more meaningful and alive, your authentic worship will help others to worship too.

3. Be other-focused.  Your creativity is an act of worship, yes, but don't forget that the congregation is trying to engage in worship, and through your writing/dancing/painting/singing, you are leading worship, too.  So that poem with all of the literary and biblical allusions and cross-references and utter brilliance that leaps from one image to the next and requires several in-depth reads in order to fully understand... that one you might want to leave in the notebook. 

4. Talk to your tech-y people, your musicians, your video people, your dancers, your writers, your public speakers, and your photographers.  Collaborate with other members of the congregation and see if you can't approach a topic from several different angles-- some people engage with sound.  Some people with movement.  Some people are visual.  Some people are tactile.  Diversify your worship pallet to engage all of the senses, and not only will you help more of the congregation to connect, you'll build up each other as each of you continues to become the fullest version of yourselves in Christ.

5. Approach the throne of grace with humility, awe, prayer, shouts of thanksgiving, reflection, mourning, rage, distress, fear, and mystery.  Praise and worship is acknowledging God in every season, and it is good to lay before him the full range of our feelings and emotions.  It seems appropriate to me to reflect this same element of worship in the corporate worship setting.  Sometimes we need to mourn and wail together.  Sometimes we need to move from wailing to dancing.  Sometimes we need to stand in awe.  Sometimes we need to be silent.  Our worship planning ought to be sensitive to the place of the congregation.

6. Listen to the prayer team, pastor, and elders of your church and pray over your worship planning.  The Holy Spirit knows better than us all what needs to happen in our hearts and minds, so make time to listen before you leap into all of your amazing plans, which are truly amazing, after all. 

7. Don't get too caught up in presentation and execution.  Remember that what you are doing is worship, too, not just a means for other people to worship.

8. Don't be afraid to fail.  Allow the congregation and the worship team to flex its muscles, strain and push.  Some weeks, what you thought would be awesome might fall flat on its face.  Other weeks, what you thought might seem hastily planned could be the most authentic worship experience your church has had in months.

9. It's not your job to carry the congregation.  It is the Holy Spirit's responsibility to move in the members of your church, during worship and beyond.  You might be a catalyst for that experience, but surely the Holy Spirit will be speaking into the hearts and lives of those he knows are ready to hear and be so moved.  Worry less about how the congregation is going to respond to what you've prepared and concern yourself more with approaching God humbly, executing your part of the plan to the best of your ability, with grace and attention, as part of your act of worship.

10. You are part of the body of Christ, and every limb and nerve ending of the body doesn't need to be in motion all at once in order to be active.  Let parts of your worship team and plan take a break from time to time.

11.  Be intentional.  Just because you have the ability to do sound, lights, video, reading, full band, flags, dancing, communion and candles doesn't mean you should do them all at once.

12.  Do not give up meeting as some are inclined to do, but keep communicating with the members of your worship team and listen when someone volunteers or even hints at wanting to contribute, and follow-up with those people.  Sometimes us creative folk need an invitation, or several invitations, to come forward.  And if you are wanting to get involved, don't wait for an invitation.  Your desire to contribute is an invitaiton from God to get involved, so go with it.

13.  Encourage one another regularly.  Just because Joe has been leading worship awesomely for months doesn't mean he believes he's got this thing nailed.  Sometimes all we need is one or two attaboys to keep the energy up.

Above all else, come with love and grace.  We're all working toward completion and wholeness, and we're all going to screw up some time or another.  The beauty of the body of Christ is that we can hold each other up, forgive, heal, and be restored.  I'm not sure exactly how this last part applies to worship and creativity, but surely we can put love and grace in everything.

So bring your gifts to the altar and let them shine!  The whole church will grow in faith and praise alongside you.

Keeping Christ in Christmas

There's a lot of chatter every year about keeping Christ in Christmas, getting back to the real meaning of Christmas, etc., which is all well and good if that means peace on Earth, good will towards men. But sometimes that call, to keep Christ in Christmas, sounds like Scrooge and the Grinch to me.

Every year we debate about how much we're going to spend, what type of gift exchange we're going to do, what each family is expecting, and how we're going to make it happen. There's griping about cleaning and wrapping and cooking and shopping and traveling. We fuss and fume about the ribbons and tags, packages, boxes, and bags. Grinchiness doesn't translate well into any kind of wish for joy to the world.

In one of Peter's letters, he encourages believers to, "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms."

Rather than talk about keeping Christ in Christmas, when I start slipping into complaining mode, I need to remind myself to keep Christ in me. The most important commandments laid out by Jesus were to love God and love one another. There are several ways we can carry out the command to love one another-- there's gift giving, spending quality time together, hugs and kisses, saying nice things to each other, and doing nice things for each other. Keeping Christ in Christmas means whatever we do, whether eating or drinking, gift giving, donating, serving food at a shelter, hosting a party, etc., that we do it as if it were God himself we were serving.

Sometimes family are the easiest group of people to get all up in a fuss about, mostly because they are stuck with us. It'd be great if we could learn to treat our loved ones as if they are really loved ones. Maybe we can extend the same grace and peace to the people who are stuck with us as we try to extend to those who don't know us any better.

I'm starting to get preachy ;) so before I go, I have one more verse that's been rattling around in my head the last few days. Ever wonder what Jesus has to say about gift-giving?

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:7-11)

May you be filled with the Holy Spirit, who makes it possible to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control this Christmas.

Merry Christmas!